Alone and Hopeless
Alone and Hopeless here, with a story that truly resembles the many others I’ve just read. I too am in a relationship with an addict. We have been together for about 6 years.
When we first met I never would have guessed that he was an addict. He was very attentive and dependable. When we met I was taking care of my daughter who was bed ridden due to her third aneurysm.
He captured my heart and the heart of my daughter and my granddaughter who loved him so much. She called him “daddy”. When I found out he was addicted to Heroin I thought I could help save him. Boy, was I wrong…
We went to detox programs that only lasted (for him) 3-5 days. That’s the longest he would stay. He always said that he could do this recovery thing on his own.
He actually finished a detox program and had begun a long term in-patient Rehab program, but after 3 days he left. His reasoning being that he can’t be without me. I feel like a fool because I am an older woman who has allowed herself to be sucked into his life and now I am a prisoner.
He has threatened to kill himself in front of me if I try to leave him. The saddest part is that I truly love him and I have tried everything I know how as well as researched the addiction. I have lost everything that I owned and now I am homeless living on the streets with him.
We go from shelter to shelter and couch to couch. He is on a methadone program that is of no consequence because he still uses Heroin and cocaine daily…all day. He lies and steals from me and always has a story to tell. He is mean and spiteful especially when he is chasing the drug and I get in the way.
He has never hit me but he verbally abuses me and that is just as traumatic. I have considered leaving many, many times but I stay because I am afraid of what will happen to him after I am gone. I know that this is unrealistic on so many levels but as I said I am a prisoner and I don’t know how to free myself and save him as well.
I know in the end I will have to make a choice…My life or his…I feel so lost most of the time. I am deeply depressed and I have sought the help of a psychiatrist. I don’t know how to get off of this roller coaster. I need a way out of this life but I can’t see it or reach it.
My fear of him overdosing or committing suicide has me imprisoned. He also has some mental health issues. I don’t know which one is the root because they are so intermingled their is no head or tail. I know that I can’t endure much more.
My physical and mental health are now at stake and my mind tells me to run…but how do you leave a loved one when they are sick with severe diseases. I feel guilty also because he stood by and supported me when my daughter was dying.
He was by my side 24/7 and to leave him now when he needs help seems so heartless. I need help!! I don’t know where to start…and once I start how do I continue without being pulled back?!!!