by: Ned Wicker

Dear Jannora,

You are involved in a one-way relationship. Right now, you are worried about his drug use, but he is not. You are thinking about the future of your relationship, but he is not. You say that you love him and you are concerned that he may not love you, but he thinks about doing his drug of choice. You are going nowhere.

You need to understand that you want a man, not a substance use disorder. You want a relationship, not a constant worry about what he is doing. You want him to love you and respect you. As it is, he has no choice but to do his drugs.

As the disease progresses, nothing else matters to the addict but getting high. There is no room in his life for you right now and if he does not get treatment, he will never love you and never treat you with kindness and gentleness. He needs to decide what he wants for his life.

Does he want to have a loving relationship with you, or does he want to use drugs? If you stay with him and allow him to use drugs, he will walk all over you and you will never have the kind of life you want.

You need to make a choice—it’s either you or the drugs. Not both. You need to communicate that in the clearest possible terms to him, so there is no mistake. You must set the boundaries of your relationship and have respect for yourself.

I understand that you love him, but you love the man you knew BEFORE he became obsessed with oxy. You want that man back, not the man you have. As it stands, you have nothing.

You must form a plan to get him into treatment and stop the drug use. As for being ashamed, understand that addiction is a disease and needs treatment. It’s not about you, but about him getting treatment.

If he is willing to do that, you may want to keep trying. If he is not willing, you have no future and your best move is to walk away from the relationship before you get hurt.