Dopefiend Diaries

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Dopefiend Diaries

by Sarah

(Bel Air)

Throughout high school I would have been considered one of the “cool” kids. But, I never did drugs or even experimented with them. Everybody thought I was on drugs because I was happy… all..the..time, but I was just a truly happy and optimistic person.

I had a great upbringing in a middle/upper class suburban family, I had a close and loving family, and I had every opportunity I could ever want at my finger tips. I drank at parties but nothing to be worried about. I hadn’t even tried smoking weed until I was 18 and I hated it.

I was a college student who had already graduated with an associates and was continuing on to receive a bachelors degree. I went through a tough time after a breakup from a long term relationship and the new crowd I hung out with used percocets.

They swore they were recreational users. I should have known better considering my brother had been a full blown heroin addict for 7 years. But, they swore “just one time wouldn’t get me addicted” and hey, that made sense….right? Wrong!!

My friend crushed up half of a 30mg percocet, and before I got done snorting it, that feeling everbody talks about hit me. Words can’t describe this feeling. I felt as though I had found the feeling that people spend their whole lives trying to find.

Whoever says you can’t get addicted after one use is wrong.

I didn’t know I was addicted that soon, but… I was. It started with weekend use, then became an everyday thing. Within two months of the first use I was spending about a grand a week on pills.

The boyfriend who I had broken up with prior to all of this came back into my life, and I stopped using. Went through mild withdrawal for a few days and that was it. Well, for the time being.

For my 21st birthday my boyfriend and I had a trip to AC planned. I figured, I’ll get some pills to take, I mean hey I stopped before I can stop again. I was in the parking lot waiting to meet my dealer, he shows up only to tell me he doesn’t have any pills but he has heroin which is, in his words “the same thing as pills just better and cheaper”.

Any addict knows that when the thought of using comes into our mind, it doesn’t leave until we use. So, I took it. I snorted a $20 bag of this brown powder known as scram. Heaven came crashing down over me, at least that’s the way it felt. That was the beginning of my end.

Within a month I was doing 1-2 grams of heroin a day. I never graduated to injecting but snorting is no better. I couldn’t go more than MAYBE 4 hours without using. My days revolved around scoring dope.

I felt like I deserved it!

After spending all day looking, and finally finding some I felt I had deserved it because I worked so hard to find it. But really, I live near Baltimore, the heroin capital so it wasn’t really that hard.

I went through multiple detoxes but within two weeks every time I relapsed. I got kicked out of my house, lived on couches, pawned valuables, everything that goes along with addiction. I finally went into a Suboxone maintenance program. My life was looking up again.

Until I found out I was pregnant and my Suboxone doctor removed me from the program. I went back to using heroin because a doctor at Johns Hopkins told me that withdrawal could cause me to miscarry. I felt like the lowest scum on the planet. Nowhere would take me in to help me because of being pregnant.

Comments for Dopefiend Diaries

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Please finish your story.

by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Sarah,

Your story is very compelling and so sad. Can you please finish it? We want to know what happened and how you’re doing. It looks like the computer cut it off and hopefully you’ve saved what you wrote.

Being pregnant and addicted must be one of the most awful places that a woman can be. Hopefully, you’ve been able to find the help you need and have moved to a new place in your life.

Please consider finding some good NA or AA meeting to help you to understand your addiction and learn how to end it. Going to as many meetings a week and working the 12 steps has helped a lot of people move into recovery and helped them to lead much happier more productive lives.

Hope you can finish your story,


Went through the same thing as you…

by: Anonymous

If you are pregnant and addicted to opiates, there are options to avoid miscarriage. I miscarried once during opiate withdrawal at four months along. The options are there, and I’ve done them and also people that I know of have as well. There are 3 options:
1. an assisted detox in a medical facility

2. If you are already prescribed Suboxone, your doctor can prescribe you Subutex, which is safe for pregnancy. Your doctor may have only been allowed to prescribe Suboxone, but Subutex IS an option for pregnant women.

3. a Methodone clinic, which is the route I chose after trying #1.

If you have your baby, and have used drugs after 5 months of pregnancy, it will be in your babies first stool, which they now test for drugs. I have known people who throw the first stool away and give them the second, they only did this if they knew their child wouldn’t go into withdrawal because of no further use past 5 months.

Not advisable. If they detect drugs, they WILL call CPS and remove the baby from your care. However, if you are prescribed Methodone or Subutex, they will send a social worker from the hospital to talk with you and confirm your prescription, but will not call CPS once it is confirmed you are seeing a doctor or clinic.

Your child WILL probably need to go through detox in the NICU unit if they are born addicted to Methodone or Subutex, but it doesn’t last long and it is better than being miscarried. God Bless and I pray all worked out for you…<3

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