I have fallen in love with a girl who is an addict and I don't know what to do now?

by Kevin
(Indianapolis, IN)

I met this girl 13 years ago during the worst time in my life. I was on the verge of destruction myself and a very short time away from attempting to hurt myself and end my misery. She came out of no where and saved me from myself.

She put me back together and gave me my first little taste of happiness as I fell in love with her. I know it was high school, but nonetheless I was in love with her. Then her family moved away and her name changed and we did not see each other for over 10 years.

So 10 years later, I get a message on Facebook from her asking if she remembered me. I have never been so happy to hear from someone. This person saved my life and I loved her dearly. I never stopped thinking about her all the time we spent apart.

So I go to meet up with her after all this time on July 6th 2016, and she steps out of her car and I am so happy and sad at the same, time. I still love her. That was very clear by the hitch in my throat, the rush of happiness and the heart palpitations that resulted just from her running up to give me a hug. But.........she was so tired. I could see it in her face. She was worn down and beaten by life while I was off going to college and taking advantage of the amazing life that SHE had given back to me.

I could tell right away she was on something, and found out a week later that it was meth, but I was just so happy to see her again.

We spent the next 2 months spending as much time as we could together, and eventually she decides that she wants to get clean. I still don't know what made her want to, I like to think I had something to do with it but I am not one to kid myself.

So, it was a rough start, but now she is going to 3-5 meetings a week of both NA and AA because she can't find NA meetings in her town. And she is doing great. I am so happy for her. When I go to see her I focus entirely on her and her recovery. No selfishness. Just unconditional love and support. Which is the same reason why we haven't started an official relationship because of the rules of recovery. We have NOT slept together, and neither of us planned on perusing a relationship until many months from now if not a year.

Well that is no longer up to me. On Sep. 1st I got a message from her that stated thusly:
"Kevin, between Facebook and texts, which my sponsor Jenna looked at, my sponsor thinks that we are dating. No matter what I say I can't convince her otherwise. She said I brought you up over 10 times in our last talk and that I am not focusing enough on myself and my recovery. She has put me on a NO CONTACT CONTRACT with you. I don't like this either and I am sorry, but space is needed at the moment."

I lost it........BUT, I didn't let her know that I had lost it. I responded
"Wow, I am really sad, but as I have said since the beginning, I will do whatever I need to do for you. You are what is important. I hope this isn't for too long."

That is the last thing I have heard from her. I freaked out after that. I took a leaf from an addicts book because I was feeling like I could lose her and I am not aloud to have any kind of contact with her.

I LOST MY MIND, and showed up back home with a big bottle and a chaser. Stepped into my apartment and looked at my roommates and asked them if they were going to make me drink alone. That was the first time I have ever turned to a substance to cope with emotions so intense that I couldn't handle them.

I have now not heard from her in several days and everyday it gets harder and harder not to call her. I want so desperately to honor her no contact contract to show I am supportive but to not know if she is ok is absolute torture.

I love her more than I have ever imagined and I just want her to be ok and healthy and happy, but instead I have been temporarily cut out of her life, with no way of knowing how long I have to wait to speak to her again.

I am lost. I have no one to guide me through this storm and I think I am crashing. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Comments for I have fallen in love with a girl who is an addict and I don't know what to do now?

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Consider attending Al-anon and working the 12 steps.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Kevin,

It's difficult for me to comment on your situation because I only have a very small slice of information. But it sounds like you're completely devastated and need to find a good Al-anon support group quickly. Al-anon helps us to learn about ourselves and to get the support necessary to work through the many issues of a loved one's addiction.

Meth is a horrible drug that often GREATLY effects the psychological functioning of the addict. Dealing with a meth addict is commonly like dealing with someone with a mental illness. Most of what they tell us in not true and to avoid enabling them we need to be skeptical of everything they say until they're in recovery for a long time.

It's very critical that you develop your own strength for dealing with this situation. It seems to me that there is a lot you don't know and may never know. Did the sponsor really stop her from seeing you? Has she met someone else? Is she using again? Those are the questions that you may want to consider.

Moving forward in our lives after loving someone with an addiction is very, very heartbreaking and challenging. But we need to find the strength to move forward. As you said, you now have a wonderful life and you need to figure out how to live it regardless of her choices.

Please join Al-anon and work the steps so that you can get the support you need to work your way through this difficult time.

Debbie

Reply to Debbi
by: Kevin

I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night. And that is exactly what I kept hearing, just like you said:
"Moving forward in our lives after loving someone with an addiction is very, very heartbreaking and challenging. But we need to find the strength to move forward. As you said, you now have a wonderful life and you need to figure out how to live it regardless of her choices."

I don't know if it is what you mean but it sounds like everyone is saying I need to move forward and leave her behind....But I don't want to. I am heart broken that this has happened but I love her and want to spend my life with her regardless of the struggles. I just don't know what I can do to help her.

So glad you went to Al-anon!
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Kevin,

So glad you went to Al-anon, please continue to go for a few months and what people are saying may become clearer to you.

I'm not saying you need to leave your girlfriend behind, that depends on her. But you need to live your own life well and be ready if she does contact you again. Being ready means having healthy emotional and financial boundaries.

You need to learn how to LOVE the addict but HATE their addiction. This is a skill that Al-anon can teach you so that you'll be ready to help her, not enable her addiction, if and when she contacts you.

Appropriate boundaries also means that if she doesn't contact or doesn't quit using that you can have a good life even if she isn't in it. That's hard to do but possible If you allow Al-anon to teach you.

Debbie

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- Matthew 7:7-8


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