Just a helping word... it DOES get better!!
(DuBois, PA, USA)
I didn't know I was screwed up, or even had a real addiction until I was incarcerated and had to face the reality I was living!! In my opinion, learning how to be "me", and "feeling" clean and sober with no sugar coating is the hardest part of recovery!
My only escape, the easiest way I found was with words. I'm not good at talking and I struggle everyday but who I am today and how I live and the way I see things have never been more real, more beautiful, and a true blessing! I lived my life high. Screw it, fight it, it was all the same! Hateful and horrible was my happy and grateful and that's exactly how I thought I was living, well, happy anyways! Living not afraid to die is better than dying to live!
Who I am? I never knew, I'm still learning. I lived for numb, this past year I've learned and felt more emotions then I even wanted to know!!
Not a care in the world EXCEPT hiding what's real!!! felt, broken and numb the needle that pumps the poison into your veins or the pipe you stack to inhale more pain, those fix's are easy and quick. 5 seconds of freedom, you willingly give in!
A clown with no make up or a map with no roads. The circle drive you been on for days or a self induced coma because sleep is screaming your name. You're falling faster and faster and everything around you is oblivious around you. Fighting to stand, struggling to breathe. How much more do you think you need?
This could be it, it could be the drugs! One more, ok- this is it! Chance after chance we continued to play chase. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff fighting not to fall, as the wind pushing so hard.
Wide awake staring at me, crying inside cause I don't even know me. Slowing slipping further away. "hold tighter Cay, you're a fighter! don't give up, don't you know you have a beautiful life to live?" I feel hollow inside waiting, wishing and dreaming. I feel every moment is leading to something so amazing and there's no name for it, and if I could just get there it would be such a relief, it will be all I ever needed. "Stay with the pain and wait for the results" some things in life even after being broken- can be remade into something beautiful!
Not a care in the world but to ACCEPT what's real!!! Feel....broken, but in a good way, the struggle is real and it's life long but I have and I will SURVIVE!!!!