by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Bev,

Addiction is bad for marriage and relationships. But you have stuck with it for 25 years so it may not make sense to just turn your back on your husband. I can feel your frustration with the situation and deciding what to do can be VERY difficult.

I recommend that you begin attending Al-anon meetings three time a week, find a sponsor and begin working the steps rigorously.

Working the steps will allow you to fully access the situation and to make a clear thoughtful decision about what you need to do for yourself in this very destructive relationship.

by: Anonymous

I think you need to do what’s best for you but after eight years already in i would get help for yourself to find out how you got to where you are now. I have problems believing i can fix everything and everyone or an enabler. I wish it was true. You can’t love or pay it away. Addiction is hell for everyone. I hope you find some support for yourself and find peace.

by: Anonymous

I’m confused…I need to work the 12 steps?? Is that what the reply says? I’m really new to this so I’m trying to understand, not being smart with anyone. We live in an area with next to nothing for support for the addicts I don’t know of anything for spouses of..thanks for all the replies and advice, it is greatly appreciated!

by: Debbie Wicker

I know it must be confusing but I am recommending that YOU join Al-anon and that YOU get a sponsor and work the 12 steps. The steps will give you insight into yourself and into your marriage.

The sponsor will help you to explore all of your options and hopefully make the right choices for your situation. Each situation is unique and there is no pat answer as to what you need to do help yourself and help your husband.

I am a mental health counselor and I’m working with a woman whose husband died from alcoholism seven years ago. She is STILL an active member of Al-anon and she still works the steps everyday. The steps help her to understand and to continue to process EVERYTHING she has been through and by sponsoring others she gets healing from the pain she is continuing to experience.

No one has your experience or knows what is the best way for you to handle your situation. But by working the steps and getting a sponsor you will hopefully get the information you need to make the correct choices.

Also, if you begin to attend meetings research has shown that your husband may also begin to attend meetings and may learn what he needs to do to end his addiction.

I hope this makes more sense now and that you can find the help you need. There are Al-anon meetings online but if you can go in person that is best:)

by: Bev

It does help, thanks and I will try to find a sponsor but I’ve had no luck with any meetings and I didn’t realize they were online. It’s a lot of work when life at best feels bleak and hopeless…wow! I don’t even know where to begin.

But thanks for the advice.

by: Debbie Wicker

There is a saying is AA and in Al-anon, the steps will work if you work them. I know you feel bleak and hopeless right now but that is EXACTLY when Al-anon can truly help.

Consider Step 2:

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

This step can restore hope if you allow it to. There is always hope and by working the 12 steps your life can become worth living again.

Good Luck!