The Loss of All that Matters: Addiction
by Chris F H
To the World Out There,
This is my story…. The Loss of All that Matters: Addiction
I could write the many years of my life, but that would take too long, so I will concentrate on recent years with some past reflection.
I am a 42-year-old woman; a mother of 2 amazing children and daughter of 2 beautiful elderly parents. I was, and for all legal purposes still am, a loving, loyal, and devoted wife until the horror of addiction entered my life.
I entered this world 2.5 months early, cord severed, no apparent heart-beat, and placenta first. Unfortunately due to the trauma my 37-yr-old mother(at the time) sustained, I was an only child. At the age of 3-yrs I drowned and was resuscitated 3 times, creating very over-protective parents (:
I had a wonderful childhood and amazing parents. My health has been occasionally tremulous throughout my life, and I presently suffer from severe chronic pain. I am not a perfect person, and if this story was mainly about me, I would venture into my past more, but needless to say, I am a very high-functioning woman with strength I never knew existed within me.
At this point I am feeling tested in all areas of life: emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, and I feel like I might not be able to continue the fight. This being the reason I am sending my story out to the world. I hope to receive many prayers, positive thoughts, solution ideas, and stories back.
My parents are the most wonderful 2 people I have ever known. They have brought children in need into our home to care for and lived their lives helping others. My mother, in her career, worked endlessly with children diagnosed with learning disabilities. Mom, 80-years now, has always been strong, resourceful, kind, and hard working, even still to this day.
My father, the perpetual re-cycler and fixer of all things unwanted, is brilliant even with severe dyslexia; however is now disabled with severe pain due to injury. He provided us with the home we now live in, paid for and given over to myself, my husband, and my children with the only criteria being that we house them and care for
them in their old age… we have not been able to uphold this obligation, and now my lovely, elderly parents, who have advanced themselves into extreme debt to help us, may end up homeless.
To Me and my Dad for a Moment.
In 2006-7 I became acutely ill with various ailments including severe pain, paralysis, and chronic fatigue (before this, I was athletic, hard-working, energetic, and quite healthy). At the instruction of my husband, I visited numerous doctors, specialists, and pain clinics.
I was told by my husband to find a way to get better or he would be forced to leave me (really not in his character…) After all the appointments, tests, ideas, doctors, etc.. no one could come up with a solution except to try me on various and copious amounts of drugs.
I had reactions, severe reactions, to many of these prescriptions. They finally came up with this new and amazing pain killer for me to try: oxycontin. I asked many questions, being that I HATED pills, and I was assured that I would not have a problem if I was aware of my intake and was not an addictive person.
I did not wish to lose my lovely husband, so I started the pain killer regime. Turns out, I am NOT addictive, I can take medications as prescribed, and I find it fairly easy to wean myself off anything or cut cold turkey. The medication did help me return to a somewhat normal state.
I educated EVERYONE in my home in regards to this medication, but it did not change the outcome sadly. I will forever feel as a contributor and guilty for ever allowing these medications into my home or my life.
Over the years I have taken myself off of most of my medications with only one adjustment in dosage in 7-8 years. I still have the pain killer prescription that I use daily, but in a controlled and minimal manner, and I have planned a phase out with my doctor. There are/were many times I did not consume my daily dosage, and it was put it aside. I do not drink alcohol, smoke, or take drugs recreationally.
In 2008 Dad and I were re-roofing my home when he fell off the roof setting of a severe pain issue (apparently it runs in the family). His spine slowly started to curve/deteriorate and every joint in his body seized and caused/causes him severe pain. Also, after visiting many specialists and finally a pain clinic, he was placed on a narcotic pain killer. My dad, also not an addictive person, would only occasionally take his medications, and had numerous placed away.
It is heart-breaking to see my father in this state. Please for a moment put this in perspective. This was a man who had throughout his life worked endlessly to provide for his family. He was one of the most capable people I have ever known. He could fix anything, build anything, and create anything; even with a severe learning disability. He was loved and admired by many for his talents and kindness. After his injury he slowly deteriorated into a bed-ridden state. This is where he sits now.
He has slipped into a state of severe depression because all he worked for is on the brink of being destroyed by “addiction.” My parents had paid for this home and built a life that should have created success in mine.
They trusted me and my husband with all that would sustain them in their old age and now they are now destitute and maybe soon homeless. Sadly, my father trusted my husband like a son; he handed over everything he ever loved and cared about (his daughter, home, trust, love…) only to have it all destroyed and taken from him.
I feel as though all of this is my fault. I may not be the addict, but I brought the addict into this family. I live my life in a perpetual state of guilt and sadness because all I want to do is save my parents, my children, and my family home for them. If it was just myself and my ex-husband, I would walk away and let it all fall around me, start over, and pray for the best.
However, this is not about me, it is about the people who trusted and love me; the people who now depend on me and look to me for a solution…. a solution I cannot find alone.
My Mom and My Children
My mommy is the most amazing mother I could have ever been granted: I thank God daily for her. She is strong, kind, intelligent, hard-working, capable, and wonderful in all ways. I do not believe that I could live my life without her. I worry because she is 80-years-old with a heart condition that is aggravated by this situation, even though she swears it is not. My mom has kept this household going for as long as I can remember.
She does everything I do not or cannot do, and anything I am capable of doing is because she was the teacher of. If there was a situation, she found a solution; sadly, she is at a lose with what to do now. My mom has given up everything in her life before, started over, and been happy after doing so, but she can’t do that again. Her strength does not waiver, but her health does.
My parents have helped me/us raise my beautiful children. If not for them, I do not believe I could have created such fantastic and strong people. I cannot ever repay my parents for what they have given me and my family ever, not even in 10 lifetimes. All I wish is to allow them some peace and stability in the last years of their lives. That is one of my main prayers, to find a solution to bring peace and stability to my family.
Please read “The Loss of All that Matters: Addiction” Part 2