The nightmare hidden behind the nightmare
I was fifteen years old, had never smoked a cigarette, never drank, and I never broke curfew. I was your girl next door and I was staring at a line of meth that would soon disappear up my virgin nostril. I was nervous and shaking as I bent my head down to snort the poison which would start as a dream world, and end crashing in Hell. This is where it all started. One line. My life would never be the same.
I fell in love with the crystals that altered my mind and ego. It was a high that made me invincible. I started as a “weekend warrior”, dope picked up on Fridays and a supply to last through the weekend. Fridays became Thursdays and my weekends didn’t end. The days no longer controlled my choices. I stayed in school, kept my grades up and portrayed a totally different person during the school days.
Night would come and the magic powder would disappear up my nose, the nights didn’t have to end. I would meet up with friends and enjoy the extra hours that the crystals provided.
Eventually, they would head home to bed. I was not even close to being ready for sleep. My mind always going, I felt so good. My homework would get done, and I enjoyed having it to do after everyone was resting for the next day. I would often write by candle light so that my parents would think that I was safe in bed, like a typical teenager should be. I would stay up for days on end until my body finally needed to come down and rest only to start the cycle over again.
Coming down was a torturous hell. My stomach was sick, food was impossible to get down. My brain was lost. I was confused, yet my brain was on fire. I wanted to hide. I would lay in tears just hoping to get through this part, only to feel better when I felt the powder up my nose.
I kept this lifestyle for 3 years. I started taking dope to school and snorting it in the bathrooms, using the tube from a tampon. My world was crumbling. I was hanging with people that kept all my old friends away. Everyone found out and all my childhood friends wanted nothing to do with me.
I felt guilty all the time. I was not this person I had become. I thought of my parents often and how clueless they were to my life. It killed me inside. I changed. My mind, my heart, my emotions, my ability to trust anyone, it all changed. It changed forever. I was not the person that I would have been had I not fallen in love with a line of dope.
I will never forget the moment I decided that I was done. I had been up for so many days that I had lost track. I lay on my floor, strung out and tears filled my eyes. I finally realized how sick I was. I knew that I wanted to get better. I stood up. I found all my razors, my baggies, my mirrors, and my special straws. I sat there and stared at all the collectibles in front of me. I immediately cleaned out my backpack. Then, I went out to my car. I got my mirror and blade out from under my seat. I took everything and piled it all together and put it in a trash bag, which I placed into another trash bag before I took it all to the dumpster.
I look back now and blame my weakness for dope for a lot of my current mindsets. Meth destroys you. It takes your mind, your heart, it steals your life. Meth causes you to die inside. You become an empty shell. It turns you into an unfeeling creature, grabs a hold of you before you even know that it’s happening.
It will change your life long after you leave it behind. It stays deep inside where it caused you to rot. Meth makes you a new person. It leaves you with a hard heart. It’s not anything good or nice. I will never know what kind of person I would be if I never had fell in love with poison.
I can only hope that the rest of the world saves themselves. It’s not the dream it appears to be. It’s a nightmare that lasts a lifetime.