What can I do to make my husband see he's an addict?

by April
(Louisiana)

I'm just finding out my husband is an addict, or at least how serious it is. I guess I should have known a while back, but i was in denial i guess. He's been disappearing, leaving my kids and I alone for every holiday, anniversary, etc.

He used to help me coach, loved me and now he's never spending more than enough time to shower or crash before he's gone again. He hasn't paid rent or helped financially since 2014. He doesn't care about anything anymore.

I kicked him out as he was driving off a weekend ago telling him that we could no longer be on the back burner. I have 11/13 yr old. I found crack, mdma ecstacy, meth, oxy, pills, & pot.

He admits nothing. I've tried everything, I love him, I need help. I don't want to give up on him, but he just won't admit to anything.

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No easy answers to your problem.
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear April,

Wow that's a huge variety of drugs to find for one person. Normally, an addict as a drug-of-choice and doesn't have such a variety of pills? It's very difficult to know exactly what the situation is. Is he dealing, using or both?

Often allowing someone to live in a home where they have no financial or emotional responsibility enables their addiction. They can use but still have a place to live and food on the table.

You should probably consider an intervention, where you work with a professional interventionist and set boundaries of what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable. You would also define the consequences for unacceptable behavior.

I recommend that your first step is to join Al-anon and begin working the 12 steps. Go to meetings a few times a week and learn about addiction and intervention. Al-anon will help you to figure out how you can love your husband but HATE his addiction.

Once you're in Al-anon and working the steps, try to find a woman who will sponsor you that has been where you're at now and has successfully helped he husband to get into treatment and get sober.

Good luck,

Debbie

yes doing both
by: april

Yes ma'am, I know him to be doing small time dealing I just found recently, but it's mainly to feed his habit. He smokes a lot of weed and I'm afraid he's just going from one upper to another downer. I had no idea about all of this. I'd say he's been doing more meth, but now I just don't know.

He basically naps at night. When he does stay here a few times he would just go to bed anywhere from 3 to 5 am normally and tell me to make sure he got up at 7:15 for work. He just lost his job Friday now.

We live in a very small town, that I know of, there are no groups to go to. He's no longer here and hasn't spoken to me since last week. He stole things from my car, but returned them Sunday morning to my mailbox and said Happy Easter.

He's losing everything right now and I'm trying to let him hit bottom, but still let him know why and that when he's ready for help I'm here. Our huge fight was due to me not giving him more than $600 from tax return money. He went ballistic. But I saw him blow the $600 in one night and then his paycheck 2 nights later. I couldn't just give him cash.

Meanwhile he hasn't paid his car insurance, has things in pawn from when he didn't live here and cries that he's going to lose it all, but takes the 600 and buys more drugs. That was my final straw.

It's like he's gotten sloppy and now I see what he's doing. Then my friend and I went thru my closet to find he had planted all of those drugs I mentioned earlier individually into a pocket in each of my purses tucked away in the closet.

So it was a sad moment to know he had put all his drugs in my purses. I felt so betrayed. I almost took one to coach wit the other day, but forgot it and one pocket contained the 17 ecstacy pills of mdma.

He's not admitting to anything even if it's right in front of him or he just straight up ignores me. He's been gone for 6 months total before. Yes I'm an idiot. I just always feel as his wife it's my job to help. Who else will?

I told his mom 2 nights ago everything and she doesn't give him help so she said, but I think even she's lying now. My husband has always had things given to him, silver spoon boy. I grew up having to work for every little thing. Not evenly yoked for sure, but he's got a wonderful heart, or did.

My kids are done so they say with him. They hate what he's done, they hate that he's always gone and hurts me. It's only me that cares and right now losing his job and not speaking to me, I'm even more worried. I know the right thing is to leave it alone and get a divorce, I just feel obligated. But my kids do mean more. Maybe I just need help letting go. :( very sad wife of only 5 years missing my bff desperately. Will he ever be back....

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