Drug Addiction Questions

Ex-spouse is addicted

Drug Addiction Questions

I’m divorced and my spouse has the children half time. I believe my spouse is using drugs.

It’s a ghastly situation. The pawns in this scenario are your children.

What are your motives?

Before you take any action, look first at your own motives. Are you going to get back at your ex by using the children?

It’s a very harsh question, but be sure of yourself.

If you believe your ex is using, what is your evidence? If a third party were to become involved, would there be enough evidence to convince that person that your ex is using?

Assuming you still have some level of feeling for your ex, you may want to do an intervention and try to facilitate him/her going into treatment.

Evidence is important.

When you drop off the children, or pick them up, in those moments when you see your ex, are there any physical signs of drug use?

Is that person’s speech slurred, or do they have bloodshot eyes, or do they appear unkempt, or have they lost weight or has there been frequent illness?

Do they keep appointments? Have there been accidents around their home?

Have your ex-partner or your children been injured?

Before you go off and accuse your ex-spouse of drug use, have your kids said anything to you? Don’t put words in their mouth, or use them to spy on your ex-spouse, but listen to them.

Are they giving you any clues that something might be wrong? Have they said anything at all? Mom/dad has been acting funny. Mom/dad always forgets to pick us up at school.

Mom/dad doesn’t look like they feel good.

Before you run off to child social services, turn to a drug addiction professional for counsel. There is no “one size fits all” answer for this. Take what you have and allow a professional to help you sort it all out.

We have all heard horror stories about the courts ripping children away from their parents. Courts try to do the right thing, but it isn’t a perfect system.

The whole legal tug-of-war can be traumatic for children, just as your divorce was for them. You and your ex have already done damage, no matter how resilient your children are.

The pain of seeing mom and dad break up, having to go back and forth between the two of you is difficult for your kids. If you are convinced that your ex is using and that action is necessary, plan that action and think it through before you begin the process to ensure that your children are shielded as much as possible.

Seek professional help. The nearest drug treatment center is a good start. You can call Al-Anon.

But our main point is not to shoot from the hip. Gather your facts, analyze your facts and form a plan that will accomplish a positive end for your ex, for you and most of all for your children.

Many people are in this situation.

Divorce is very common now and as a result many kids are spending half time with a drug/alcohol addicted parent. Here are some steps you can take to prevent harm from coming to your children:

1. Calmly make your ex-spouse aware that you're aware of the addiction.

2. Work with loved ones of your ex-spouse and do an intervention to try to get them into treatment.

3. Talk to your child about addiction not to degrade your ex-spouse but to train your child what to do to avoid getting in a car when your ex in under the influence. Cars are the most common cause of injury when someone is impaired.

4. As much as possible be available to pick your child up from any situation if the feel at all scared or concerned. Give them a cell phone and have them call you ANYTIME they are feeling vulnerable. This particularly important if there is a no relative living in the home. (According to studies the incidence of child molestation goes 33% when they are living with a non-relative.)

Do everything you can to protect your child in the very difficult situation. They are very vulnerable.

20 years of hell!

by Maggie

I met him over 20 years ago. He was 33 and I was 23. We lived together for 1 and 1/2 years before marriage. Only one thing happened during our living together. And I forgave that. So we married.

5 months into the marriage he doesn't come home from work. Instead he's driving up & down the road in front of our house for hours. I had no idea what to think about this. Or what to do. So I sat and watched it for hours.

When he finally pulls in the driveway I ask him what the heck are you doing? He becomes violent and belligerent. Soon afterwords, telling me it was all my fault.

He admits to using crack cocaine and a bottle of alcohol. I became very confused. I grew up in the era where the saying was "Crack Is Whack." It was then he told me that he was a convicted felon for cocaine. And had been in prison a year before he met me. I was shocked.

It didn't take him long to coax me into trying the drug. It made me very very sick. I didn't realize it, but I became addicted. I craved it often. And that lead to wanting it a lot more than just weekends. That lead to 4 days a week then 5. Soon it was constant daily.

He had a good job. Or I should say several jobs because he missed a lot of work. But he was in high demand. I was a stay at home wife. Well if you can consider that a wife. We had a nice home, pets, nice furniture and things. And I would call him off work whenever he needed it.

However that all changed. I was so messed up I never realized how much he was lying and how the abuse towards me was escalating out of control. A sobering event happened.

He overdosed on Cocaine. I thought he as going to die. Laying in the hospital, hooked up to every machine imaginable. In a drug induced coma. I made a promise to myself, I was going to do whatever it took to stop. And I did.

It took 2 YEARS!

It took 2 years of AA, Group meetings at a church and then abuse group meetings. All the while I slept on the couch and watched as he continued to use hardcore. Combining the crack with loads of alcohol and then to level that he used percocettes. And I felt so alone.

He didn't care what I was going through. He was high all the time. I eventually left. I took 3 duffel bags of clothes and walked out. I am now 1 month away from divorce. After 10 long months. And he failed a court ordered hair drug test: * POSITIVE FOR COCAINE *.

He continues to say he doesn't have a drug problem and refuses any help. He texts me constantly and tells me he would do anything for me. All I have to say is "Anything would be nothing but REAL HELP". Real help will never come for him as long as he continues to say there is no drug problem.

I don't trust people much anymore. I am learning A LOT. And perhaps one day I will meet the right person and I'll make sure I run a background check on them.

If you are me, I suggest you surround yourself with lots of positive people. Get into AA, go to group meetings. Journal and by all means if it's abusive like mine was.. There is NO excuse. It won't get better. And if it does it won't be for long.

As long as you are with them. As long as your choice is drugs. And life is all about choices. As long as you are making bad choices you will only get bad results.

Drugs are a temporary fix for a long term issue. Do yourself a favor and just reach out. Tell anyone who will listen. It may not work at first or it might. You will never know unless you try.

YOU are worth a lot more than you could ever imagine. YOU ARE WORTH HAPPINESS!! And HAPPINESS IS A REWARD!

In Denial
by: Ned Wicker

Dear Maggie,

Denial is the most powerful word in dictionary when it comes to the single greatest obstacle to substance use disorder treatment and recovery.

The terrible unintended consequence of your husband’s poor choices is a diseased brain that cannot, or will not accept any measure of responsibility for his actions, regardless of the consequences. He is really not capable of rational thought, because the disease has taken over his life.

You are one of the fortunate ones who has seen the damage of the disease and has allowed help to come into your life and lift you out of the gutter.

The physical damage to the person is obvious, as is the personal and financial ruin the disease brings, but so often lost in the shuffle is the spiritual aspect of the disorder, which robs us of our humanity and our ability to connect with others on a meaningful level. You saw your situation, took action and you are on the right path.

It is interesting that he still maintains his affection for you, yet refuses to allow anything in the way of getting clean. Failing a court-ordered drug test is just bad news, but it shows you haw his mind works.

Perhaps he thought he could cheat it, or worst yet, he may not have cared at all to even attempt to pass it. His disease is more important to him at this point than you are. Substance Use Disorder is looked at a lot like other forms of mental illness.

If I am a legal adult, even though I am diagnosed with a brain disorder, I can refuse treatment. A person has a diseased brain that does not function properly, yet he has the full rights of someone who does not have that impairment. How is that considered making a rational, informed decision?

I hope, for his sake, that he someday allows the truth to filter through the haze. He will look back and maybe realize that you, Maggie, are a special person and worthy of praise for your heart and determination.

For more answers to Drug Addiction Questions please go to Intervention

Do you have more drug addiction questions? Click on the Your Questions button on the right for more answers to drug addiction questions.

and Finally Remember:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
- Matthew 7:7-8

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