I swore never again!

by Robert
(Bremerton, WA)

I started using drugs at a very young age. I took my first bit of weed when I was 6. And turned into the everyday smoker by the time i was 11. " thanks to mom's stash."

When i turned 14 my mom passed away. And i went to live with my uncle after being tossed around from my brothers and sisters and then to a foster home. Because i was so depressed and angry no one could control me.

After moving in with my uncle, I soon found a new d.o.c. meth. I remember the first time i tried it. My friend was smoking it out of a light bulb. She shot gunned the first hit for me. Then let me do it on my own. The taste was horrible. I couldn't stop gagging. But after it passed i had more energy then i knew what to do with. I was cleaning everything. The high lasted 2 days. I remember looking in the kitchen and just the sight of food made me sick.

Any ways, my ex-girl friend showed up on day 5 months pregnant and i didn't know what to do. I was high and couldn't think clearly. She left mad as hell, and i didn't see her again until her step mom came to my house one day out of the blue and took me to see my new son.

I got got clean and got a job. I lived in Port Orchard and traveled to Seattle (2 1/2 hours each way) because my brother was the only one that could work me full time at 15 1/2. I did that for about a year until i lost my job. I became depressed and started using again. I used for about 8 months until i got booked for assault and spent 4 months in juvy.

I got out with my g.e.d and got my old job back. I stayed clean and everything was going good. I had a new s.u.v and an apartment, money in the bank, life was really worth living.

Then one day a guy we hired from work release got out and started using again... and so did I. Soon i was using everyday. Then i started selling. Not long after that i quit my job because i was making more selling then working. Well i soon lost my girl and fell into i.d. theft which turned into g.t.a. and everything else that goes along with it.

I landed myself a 16 month prison sentence at a max prison. None of witch was any fun. My ex and i started to talk again. And when i was released she picked me up at the gate and we drove to our new house. I got a job managing a bbq place and not long after that i had a new truck again money in the bank and everything on the up and up.

That lasted about a year. My sister died while i was in prison. My world flipped upside down. I started taking perks and then moved to 10 methdone a day. My girl kicked me out after losing my job because of the drugs.

I quickly turned my habit from pills to meth because pills were so expensive. I fell into selling again and it quickly turned back into theft and g.t.a. all over.

It took a year and 6 months for me to land myself 29 months in crcc in Washington state. I got through prison with the love and support of my sons mom. Again she was there when i got released from work release and i swore to her never again.

After getting out i soon quit my shitty busser job. And became the manager of a auto repair center. I was making good money and had bought a brand new car and had money saved in the bank.

Then one day it happened. I don't even know why or how. We were just snowboarding and all the sudden out the meth came. I knew better then to do but i did it any way.when i got home i took 6 sleeping pills and passed out. I woke up fine the next day and everything seemed to be normal.

But that next weekend it happened again. Only this time there was a bag needles on the table. My preferred way of doing it. It started 3 months before i went to prison and I'll never forget the feeling. Anyways, so i loaded up my rig and pushed 40cc into my arm. It's a feeling i have always loved. Soon i was getting high a few times a week.

Then i quit my job and it turned into everyday. I have been trying to get myself clean but have became more addicted to the needle then the drug. I try my hardest everyday to stay clean. i tell myself. No and most days i can beat it. But some days i cant.

I don't even shoot dope anymore. I shoot water most of the time. But for some reason. I still get that high like feeling. I hate myself for doing this to her again and to my son again.

Sometimes i feel like death is going to be the only time i will b strong enough not to use. It's funny cuz its not at my low points when i get high its at the peek of my success. And i want to know how or if i even can fix it?

People always say that we are in the game when we are using. But my life isn't a game. And sooner or later its going to kill me. I guess it will be game over.

Thank you for reading.

Sorry i cant spell for but this has helped a lot

Jonny b

Comments for I swore never again!

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There is hope and you have much to live for!
by: Debbie Wicker

Dear Robert,

Your story is very powerful but very sad at the same time. Drug addiction is a disease of the brain that causes you to always relapse until you END your addiction.

I can tell by your story that you really, really want to quit using but don't know how to stop. Please consider going to AA and NA meetings so that you can move from addiction to recovery.

START WORKING THE 12 STEPS DAILY! THEY WORK IF YOU WORK THEM!

I also believe that you are chronically depressed and need support from a doctor to end your depression. If your depression goes untreated you will never be able to end your addiction.

You are what is called a dual-diagnosis which means you have both a severe drug addiction and severe depression. If you get treatment for both the addiction and depression you can learn how to quit using. You can definitely get your life back on track and become the person you want to be.

Begin working the 12 steps and you will learn what you need to do to stop being addicted.

Thank you so much for your very moving story and I hope you get the support and treatment that you need to end your addiction,

Debbie

I couldn't agree more
by: Anonymous

I have been depressed for as long as i can remember. I'm also bi polar and have major trust issues... As caring as i am all the time. Sobor or high. People tend to take advantage and when they do i flash.

I will go out of my way to help someone and would even give strangers the shirt off my back if i think you need it. But people never know when to stop asking. I have 200 numbers in my phone. And less then a hand full will call me up to see how I'm doing or if i just want to talk. But the ones that do that I would take a bullet for them and sell my own car to pay their rent.

I think everyone one has at least one friend like that but when an entire county knows you and there's only 3 or 4 of those people in your phone that would do the same then there's something wrong.

I'm not surrounding myself with the right people... i guess i just expect people that i hang out with to act and be who they say they are. If they're a bad ass then be a bad ass. If their a dealer, then be a dealer, if their a booster then be a booster. If your a wimp then be a wimp. I don't care. Just be who you are. Not what people want you to be.

I have a meeting with a rehab place in a week and hopefully a bed date shortly after that. Getting clean has to come first. Getting a head doc is second. I hope soon to say that i have 24 hours sober. Then a week then a month then 6 then 1 year then 18 months then multiple years. But until then and from here on out, I'm going to worry about today. I'm not going to stress on yesterday. And im not going to worry about tomorrow. I'm just going to take it 1 step/day at a time!

We do recover
by: Jasmine

Have you tried going to rehab ? That's what saved my life I'm 4 months clean went into rehab in May and I've been doing a lot better things are sooo much better than when I was using , get the proper help you need and I promise you it'll get better ! But it's up to you to allow it and it's up to you to do it , I have a story on here as well if you wanna check it out . www.drug-addiction-support.org/losing-everything-gaining-it-back.html

Jasmine

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- Matthew 7:7-8


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