What you are about to read is ridiculously and the first confession and admittance of my secret self. I am 27 and live in Brighton. I have a large group of friends, although recently I have created a purposeful distance between me and them.
I had a good childhood and my parents bought me up to be polite, well spoken and gave me an educated informed introduction to life. What I want to make clear is. There is no childhood trauma and no event in my history to blame.
I was never damaged and I am fully responsible. I work. I mostly make effort to present myself well (in the private of my own home I don't bother at all i don't even wash unless someone else is gonna see me).
I have a vague innocence about me. I know this because I've lost count of how many times I've gotten away with stuff because people "knew I wasn't that type of girl" this has even been said by people within five minutes of meeting me. I'm basically living an average young life in Brighton except seemingly even more healthy as i never drink.
No one except my girlfriend and two friends that unfortunately had to be informed have a clue that I am living with a very severe heroin and crack addiction behind the intentionally pulled blinds. It's been undeniably serious for two years now and I've been receiving 'help' and been on a prescription replacement for about a year on and off. I got almost clean once for three months when I moved cities, but in time I found contacts there and relapsed.
It's turned my entire life into a full time act. Endless lies excuses and ridiculous stories to cover things you would think impossible. My family doesn't know. I don't ever want my parents to know. I'm almost sure they'd be already divided, they don't want to know because they don't ask questions that they should.
Recently I've lost control of my secret. My debts have spiraled and i keep loosing jobs. It's all falling apart like it was destined to. I have never been so lost that i don't know what to do next. I don't want to come clean. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to embarrass of even disgust. The last thing I want is an intervention. I don't want to stop. I don't have a career or any REAL focus or anything really.
Confronting my real life would be hideous and sadly in some peoples eyes I'd rather continue putting off life in a haze of snowballs. That's it really but shhhh... Brighton's a small city. Word spreads fast!
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." - Matthew 7:7-8